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| Today I woke up and ate. A lot. Almost literally for four hours straight. Barely getting any homework done. Not hungry. I just wanted something. I needed something to fill me up.
It was only after those four stressful, confusing hours that I realized what I was missing, why I was empty: I need God.
I have pretty much neglected Him for the past three or four months now. Some may refer to this phase I went through as "self exploration." I suppose they could be right... I mean, I experimented with different actions (even illegal) that I would have never considered four months ago. I went back to self abuse a few times. Overall, though, it felt fun; it felt wild and free and I felt like finally I was living like myself.
I hung out with one of my Christian friends (who I haven't seen in about two or so years) this summer... and when he told me how he couldn't "imagine how people could deal with problems without God." He even wondered, "what do they do when they get sad? How do they live?" I questioned him back (in my head only of course), "How could people live as Christians? Not being able to do anything? Being so restricted to the confinements that God has set for us? How could You feel happy without experiencing the sinful joys this world has to offer? Praying every time after a meal? Devotionals everyday?" Though, there was this part of me that was drawn to that, that was drawn to his passion for God. But, feeling like I enjoyed the God-neglecting person I became, I brushed that off and went back to my ways of doing whatever I felt like, not considering God's point of view.
Oddly, I still felt a connection with the Agape Christian Fellowship Club and I wanted to continue to go to Leadership meetings, though I didn't really go to the club for the past two weeks... A few days or so ago, in one of the school-daily 7:11am Agape club prayer meetings at the flag pole, when Ally and I were sharing prayer requests, I felt obligated to share with her about my walk with God... I told her how "I know this sounds really bad, and I feel kind of guilty... but I a part of me.. I guess doesn't care anymore... Like, I don't really pray to God anymore... I guess--and I know this sounds horrible--that means I don't care about God anymore..." And we prayed together about it... and perhaps today was a "prayer come true."
Because after a certain point of eating and eating away, even forcing food down my throat in an attempt to fill this void, I just laid down on my bed and looked up at the ceiling and began talking... To who? To God. All I saw was the ceiling, but I felt confident that He was there... I kept telling Him how much I needed him... See, I see each of our lives as empty boxes. Okay, well they aren't really empty, because there are things such as friendships and family members in there... but there's always that one empty spot that every one has--at least it starts off as empty. Some people fill up that spot with constant socializing, some with porn, some people with drugs, some with writing poetry, some people with obsessive relationships... For me, it was overeating (forcing myself to eat when I'm stressed) and self harm. I'm not going to lie: I know that I will come back to those things again one day. I know from experience that I will probably never stop. I just feel like I know that I will not come back to those things for quite a while, maybe even a year... because I have another way of filling that emptiness: God.
For me, it makes most sense to fill up that space with God because all things can go away, and all things can disappoint, but God is always there and will always be there and His love is unconditional.
After hours of crying, I am confident that things will be okay. Even though I questioned my friend's point of view while I was "self exploring," I now remember how it felt to feel the way he does: God's love, guidance, and forgiveness... I don't know how people live without those things.
and I will close with a portion of some lyrics of this praise song I really like. Thanks for reading. :] Off to do homework (I have come to decide that my health (mental and physical) is more important than school work. But this is for another xanga entry...).
As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. -Psalm 103:12
East to West - Casting Crowns
Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
You're holding on to me
_Tiffany Nguyen :]
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| Timothy Young (12:14:00 AM): what was
keeping us from going to heaven? what was dragging us down?
Timothy Young
(12:14:09 AM): *was/is
Tiffany Nguyen (12:15:03 AM): we're not
perfect
Timothy Young (12:15:23 AM): its not only because we're not
perfect
Timothy Young (12:15:30 AM): its because we turn away from
perfection
Timothy Young (12:15:47 AM): its because we 'miss the mark'. =
sin
Timothy Young (12:16:16 AM): Jesus came down so He could take away our
sin
Timothy Young (12:16:31 AM): so we can be perfect in God's
eyes
Timothy Young (12:17:30 AM): to say i want to be bleached white but
still keep some of the dirt is not reasonable
Timothy Young (12:31:12
AM): tiffany, God doesn't expect us to do this on our own
Timothy Young
(12:31:40 AM): He kNOWs how hard it is to follow Him. thats why He made the new
way of forgiveness instead of legalism & strictly following laws
Timothy
Young (12:32:12 AM): He wANTS us to cry out to Him and say "i can't do this on
my own God!!"
Timothy Young (12:32:25 AM): because we cant...we really
cant..
Timothy Young (12:32:56 AM): we're not becoming perfect by our own
strength. its by God's help we're moving in that direction
Timothy Young
(12:33:01 AM): if we let Him help us
Tiffany Nguyen (12:33:22 AM): how do we
let Him help us?
Timothy Young (12:33:48 AM): it all starts with admitting
weakness...
Timothy Young (12:34:16 AM): admitting to not only ourselves, but
admitting to God, that we can't do this by ourselves
Timothy Young (12:34:28
AM): we can't be the good example by ourselves
Timothy Young (12:35:16 AM):
then allowing Him to move us. allow his word the Bible to shape us and to
motivate us
Timothy Young (12:35:49 AM): allow His love to be our motivation,
instead of our own desires. its called surrender.
Thanks,
Tim!
I want to
surrender. I need to surrender.
God,
I'm sorry for criticizing Your work, but I hate how I let things get to me so easily. Is it b/c I have depression? I don't like it. But then again, it's probably good. Times like these remind me that I can't do it on my own and that I need You.
Lord, what would You do right now? =\ I'm so hurt... I'm so confused. I keep running back... I want to just ... leave. I want to just... stop going back to the source that pains me so much. If anything, it would probably make the people involved happier.
I don't like being weak.. but if it brings me one step closer to You, then I am thankful that you allow me to feel this way.
God, please make me more like you. Please help me to let go of my old ways. Please help me realize that Your opinion > all other opinions. Please give me hope.. strength.. motivation.. God, please help me feel Your Love. I need You.
In Jesus' Name I Pray, Amen.
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| Maybe it was the blast from the past I had today while I was reading that special entry in my journal, or maybe it was the rush of joy and what could be denial that came with exclaiming his name loudly throughout today, or maybe it was the confusion that came when I called him (different him) for no reason, or maybe it was how i was getting along better with him (even different him) today . . .
I didn't foresee it... but here I am--unexpectedly hurt.
Ten steps forward, two steps back.
This is normal though. My goal is not necessarily about the destination as much as it is about how I work through the challenges of the journey.
I need God.
_Tiffany Nguyen
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| Lowell Beautification Day planning has literally taken up most of my Spring Break so far. No lie. I'm sure it'll be worth it day of when I see all of the planning come to life. :D I'm excited. I really hope it's a success!
I'm not spending too much time on God lately... I really should... God is supposed to be my everything, all the time... And I'm pretty much neglecting Him. It makes me sad that I would do that. I must try to fight for a close relationship with Him again...
Blah, I'm in a kind of bummy mood right now. Not sure exactly why. But sometimes being sad is oddly comfortable... and this is one of those times...
God has helped me grow so much this school year. It started of relatively super rocky and difficult... but it's gradually getting easier. I mean, school-work-wise of course it's getting much more difficult... but other than that, everything seems to slowly be falling into place.
Randomness...
I believe that Brandon Iljas and I will be friends. It's been about two years since I called the police on him. Two years since we've seriously been friends. I haven't really had a real conversation with him in the longest time. There's something about him that repels me from him... something that scares me when I think about talking to him... But I believe we will be friends. We have to be. I mean, if we don't become friends, I have to face this really horrible reality that.. sometimes.. friendships.. just die and don't come back. I can't believe that! I don't want to believe that! I mean, where there's a will there's a way right? Well, let me revise that... Where there's a will from God, there's a way. So I just need to pray. Pray pray pray. I can't let this friendship go. I can't just look back and say "that was an interesting part of my life.. but now it's over." It's not over. Friendships live on forever. It's like, after a person dies... your relationship with that person doesn't just stop! That person still lives on through how that person has affected you. Right? For example, he's helped me a lot with self-confidence and being mentally healthy. And I live the result of that today. So it's like, our friendship never ends.... Wait! Does that mean... even if we never talk again, we can still in that way be friends? Am I overthinking things? *yes tiffany... -_-"*
Whether I like it or not, time passes. Whether I like it or not, with that time, people change. Whether I like it or not, relationships change. Just as people can die, relationships can die. Only indirectly would those dead relationships live on. If ... a tiger died.. it's not coming back. It's a dead tiger. Who in the world would say "No, he's not dead! He's still alive in my heart!" Okay, so maybe nick jr. shows teach us that. But, reality is reality. That tiger is dead.
Okay, so where the heck am I going with this?
I need to accept that sometimes... things go away for good. I have to accept that, just because I may be super willing and super desiring.. that doesn't mean God is super willing. The world doesn't revolve around my desires. The world revolves around God's will.
This reminds me... Aaron Yang asked me one time, in response to me saying, "We have no right to kill ourselves. Our lives aren't really ours... They are God's."... "Isn't that kind of selfish?" I was struck by that... It does sound a little selfish. But I responded, "But our purpose is to live for God. In making God happy, we make ourselves happy too!" Then he says "But isn't it selfish for God to want us to make him happy all the time" or something like that.. and I was kind of silent for a while because I saw what he was thinking.. I even said "yeah.. that does sound odd..." But then I remembered..... "But God send down Jesus to die for us.. and that is why we owe him our lives. God gave up stuff for us too!" and then that was the end of the conversation.
But just now, I really did feel, "Man, God is kind of selfish eh? THe whole world revolving around Him... Us having to do whatever He wants..." But at the same time, He gives us free will. He allows us to stray from him.. He allows us choices. With those choices come bad choices...
Wow, I've really strayed from my main idea.
Loss.
Loss... is difficult to handle.
A few months ago, I found out that my dad had diabetes. That same day, he literally stopped at a stop sign, a pedestrian was crossing the street in front of us, and right when the pedestrian was literally in front of the car, my dad presses the gas pedal, as if no one is there! And I scream!!!!! And my dad stops JUST IN TIME. Then it hits me--my dad isn't going to live forever. He's getting old... He forgets things more often. He is not as a sharp driver as he used to be... He has diabetes.. high cholesterol. These are things he can obviously fix through a healthier lifestyle. Yes, of course it's very likely he isn't going to die tomorrow. But, the idea.. that he's going to die....... He will. Maybe not tomorrow, or the day after, but he will die... The idea that he will leave me.... One day, if I don't die before him, I will be alive when he is dead. The idea that I will have to let go of someone who's that great of a part of my life.. that makes me sad.
How in the world.. to people live after someone they love that much has died?
I don't know. But I somehow... am still alive after my whole "AHHH my prince charming is not really my prince charming!" attack few months back. And it surprises me that I'm still alive. It surprises me that that didn't kill me and I don't cry everyday anymore.. and my heart doesn't choke everytime I am reminded of it anymore. It surprises me that people actually survive after loss......
How the heck do people survive after loss? How in the world did I survive after loss?
Is it because all I really do need is God? Is it because, even though God puts people in our lives to help us out, in reality, we have other ways to fulfill our needs? Blehhhhh....
But still, I cannot say that I won't be Brandon's friend ever again. He was so close to me once upon a time and we used to be like best buddies!!!!! Okay, so there's the argument that people change, maybe the relationship used to work but now.. it just doesn't and I have to face it. Okay, I see the point. But... why can't it work?
Friendships can develop over time right? I remember Tiff Wong told me about this psych thing... like spending more time with a person actually helps you get along better and such...
I don't know.
Bleh.........
I'll close this in a word of prayer..
Dear God,
Funny how things work out eh? I don't get it.. Why do You allow us to go through loss all of the time? Haha, like the song, "You give and take away.. You give and take away.. My heart will choose to say... Lord, Blessed be Your name"
Through the problems You give us, You develop each of our characters... That's good right?
I don't know, God. Sometimes I question what You allow to happen. I'm glad that You're willing to take in whatever I say.. I'm glad You are open to all of my opinions and such.. That's good. At least I can openly say.. honestly, God, sometimes I think life just sucks. I don't like how You allow us to lose the things we love so much...
One day, I'm going to lose my dad. One day, I'm going to lose my mom. One day, I'm going to lose my brother. Or perhaps they will lose me before that.
Why do You allow that?
One day, I may lose my closest friends right now. One day, I will lose my cat I love so much...
Why?
God, it'd be so cool if You allowed all friendships to blossom and live on forever!
But then again, I guess the only stability humans are guaranteed is that You are always here for us. That's the only thing we can depend on...
Does that mean You do this so that we can be closer to You? Is this like.. a mechanism for You to remind us how much we need You?
I don't know... Sometimes I wonder why You make it so that we need You..
I might be sounding so mean right now, but I just really don't like loss.
I love the past. I love looking back and reliving things.. I love that stuff.. but You allowing me to lose things makes looking back into the past, especially at things that I don't have anymore, so much more painful.
God, I know there's a reason for everything.. and sometimes.. us humans just aren't meant to know. We should trust You eh?
Well, God, I thank You for constantly being there for all of us.. watching over us.. all that good stuff.
I'm just kind of sad right now. I don't like losing things...
but I guess what's even more important.. is that You allowed me to live through these losses.
I mean, it's not like I am still tortured by my losses right now. I mean, I got through it and I'll get through the other losses life throws at me.. because You allow that too.
God, I pray that we will be closer friends.. God, I pray that I will accept the things I cannot change, including losses.
God, I don't know why You let me spend so much time on this Xanga just rambling off, but I guess I gotta thank You for allowing it. :]
You make life worth living, and even though I don't feel it so strongly right now, I know that I love You. I know that it is because of You that I am allowed to be happy. You allow good things to happen too... :]
God, I just pray that I will be more .. God-centered. :D
Thankssssssssss!
In Jesus's name I pray,
Amen.
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| . . . It is a river,
That drowns the tender ring,
Some say love, It is a razor,
That leads your sould to bleed,
Some say love, It is a hunger,
And endless aching need,
I say love, It is a flower,
And you its only seen,
It's the heart, Afraid of breaking,
That never, Learns to dance,
It's the dream, Afraid of waking,
That never, Takes the chance,
It's the one, Who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to be,
And the soul, Afraid of dying,
That never, Learns to live,
And the night, Has been too lonely,
And the rode, Has been too long,
And you feel, That road is only,
For the lucky, And the strong,
Just remember, In the winter,
Far beneath, The bitter snow,
Lies a seed, That with the suns love,
In the spring, Becomes a rose
so... i've been awake since 12am and it's 6:40am. Just finished my last ID for the wold test today that I didn't really study for. I have to read hundreds (literally) of pages to catch up with english for a thought piece due tomorrow. i think i'm getting 4 B's this grading period. and what do I do? i suddenly hear this song in my head and I can't wait to listen to it.. and I hear it and it's beautiful. =]
I know God will get me through this. It seems big now, but years later, this stuff will not seem so big. O_O
And anyway, I know that I will be able to pull at least two of those B's up. and if I push push push and seriously put effort into it, I can probably pull up three. O_O I was just not focused this grading period... but now I feel quite focused. =] It's a great feeling. God is amazing.
And to everyone (more to a part of myself than to other people, actually) who thinks I'm just an ignorantly false-hope-ish child who is just setting herself up for more disappointment ... I have this to say:
Dreams DO come true :] Prince charmings do not only live in fairy tales. =D There ARE happily ever afters. =] and hope is great... =]
And most awesome-est above all...
God is amazing. :]
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